Making Your Marriage / Relationship Work.

Making Your Marriage / Relationship Work.

Whenever two different people from two different societies and backgrounds decide to come together as one then they both have decided to weather the storm together no matter how threatening things become. There will be storm upon storm but it takes a lot of determination to remain as one and survive all the challenges.

It won’t be easy but it will be worth it if both parties are willing and determined. To make an ordinary friendship work, sacrifices and empathy must be applied and multiple of these are required in a relationship or marriage.

Common ground – to build anything, you both must be on the same page and share similar ideology to a certain level. That way, you are already half way through your development and this saves lots of hassles along the line.

Sharing -   it’s never about the value of what you share but the habit of exchanging and sharing no matter how little. She loves sweets and chocolates then getting some of it on the way home from work won’t hurt and trust me she will cherish not the sweet but the fact that you remember her favourite brand – you are definitely having some “cookie” that night too.  He loves watching football; it won't kill to surprise him with a ticket to one his team matches or buy some of his team memorabilia as a gift even when he is not celebrating anything.

Contentment - in most cases the survival of a relationship or marriage is dependent on the acceptance of the other party as all you want and be satisfied with it. If it wasn’t what you wanted initially then you shouldn’t have come this far. The moment you start encouraging or patronising other people while still active with your partner then you have made a decision to sacrifice what you have for what you don’t have and you might never have. Learn to be satisfied with what you have. We always don’t have what we want but we try as much as possible to make what we have as what we need.

Quality time – as a couple you should try as much as possible to spend some “us time” together. That you are now together or married does not mean you can’t date anymore, find time to do simple things together, money shouldn’t be an issue if you plan your outing ahead and moderately. Find time even when you have kids. Those little times are your bonding moment, watch each other’s favourite shows, do not sit apart and eat together as much as you can. Share each other’s day, all these counts towards when those inevitable and unavoidable misunderstandings come up – you will definitely miss each other and you both have no choice than to make up immediately.

Familiarisation – many people are married or dating and yet they have no clue about who the partner is or what they love to do. Marriage or a relationship goes beyond raising kids, sharing bills, attending gatherings as couples or making love. Attempt to create a connection, explore each other spirituality and inner self.  A successful marriage or relationship is that one that is able to create a culture or some sorts of ritual that no one else is able to understand.

Watching the 9 pm news together could be your own ritual or walking the dog together at 7 am on a Saturday. It could be anything as long as you are happy doing it together, that’s all that matters. Imagine a couple with the ritual of watching a soap opera together on every Mondays, no matter how busy one of them is at work on a Monday, there is always this need and urge to go home – not because of the television but the fear of breaking a tradition at home. 

As partners, you should be able to predict each other and able to make a choice of clothes or other accessories on behalf of your partner and be spot on – nothing beats phrase like “My husband won’t like this, he prefers them in square” and the husband showed up saying “hey, if only those were in square shape” – now that’s a connection in play.

Respect each other – Either as opinion, view or as a person. It’s acceptable and normal to have different views on issues and be different in person but just as you understand the difference in your height and weight so much you understand and accept that you are different as a person. You grew up in a different society, possibly in a different religion with the different belief. You both have transformed into this person you are now as a result of various factors along the line and all these factors are completely unique which in turn affects your individual level of reasoning and mode of relating with people.

Even when you are upset at an issue, be calm and avoid talking loudly, shouting and saying things you don’t mean to hurt your loved one – words do evaporate but not the effect that lingers on afterward.

Know when to apologise when you are wrong, swallow your pride – saying “I am sorry babe” will not only give you a restful sleep but bury end whatever the issue is right there on the spot. Whenever one is upset, the other party can’t be upset too, it never works as two drivers can’t claim attempt to drive the bus except they are both planning to go off the cliff. 

Apologising is a skill that both parties must embrace in order to have peace, you will always offend each other, learn to let go.

Don’t bring up past issues; it means you are unable to forgive and that way you are simply informing the other party that you can’t be comfortable around them. We are all humans, we make mistakes.

Friendship and freedom -  As a couple it is important to be friends, if your partner is afraid of you then you have a major issue at hand because now you just gave them that toxic option of speaking to a “friend” and this could be that one that envies you both already – an avenue to ruin it and if this “friend” is of the opposite sex – talks usually leads to interest and interest leads to affection and affection leads to regular comfort sex, that’s the end of that relationship or marriage.

Be free to speak about anything, not necessarily positive stories but including your worries, desires, aspirations, and fantasies. Laugh together and gossip together, fight if you have to fight but know when to cut the crap and speak about it, every time you don’t speak to each other is a crack in the relationship and that does take a while to build back.

Trust each other – This is another major pillar in a relationship, don’t date or marry anyone you can’t or don’t trust, it’s extremely unhealthy for you both and the relationship. He doesn’t like you to speak to an ex then adjust; she is not comfortable with you hanging out with that female colleague then make amends. You both had friends before meeting and it’s okay to hang out with friends once in a while. You can’t bury your friends and in a relationship people do get bored sometimes, especially women – they do miss those “girls time” – she says she is off to Lisa’s place, believe her and let her have some fun, he is going out with the boys – let him go and have some fun. You like it or not, you are both having more fun after the outing as you are now both in a social and relaxed mood.

Solve Issues together – There will always be trying periods every now and then, do not stay away from your loved one simply because all is not well with them – either a challenging business or work stress. That is actually the moment they need you most, don’t turn your back on them – it’s never permanent but a phase that will pass soon enough. Don’t share the misfortune with family or friends either. You will live through it, they wouldn’t forget it. Always turn towards each other for both physical and emotional support and not turn away from each other. 

• Be proud of your partner.

• Encourage them to do better.

• Never be ashamed to be naked – shower together and fight naked.

• Support them

• Avoid nagging by any means – except you are tired of seeing your partner at home during the day.

• Learn to say “Thank You” even when is not required.

• Surprise them once in a while.

• Never assume but ask for clarity.

• Be friends – you can’t afford not to be, as this is the platform to fall back on whenever things go wrong.

• Share your ambition and build a future together

• Accept that we are all sweet and sour – accept their faults and shortcomings

• Talk more via calls and fewer texts – if possible avoid texting.

• Appreciate every little gesture

• Touch when you talk - it shows affection.

• Admire each other.

• Never be tired of saying “I love you” or hearing it. Inscribe it now and then where they can see it.

• Be in the relationship or marriage 100/100 

• Never pretend or tell lies – tell one lie and now you require dozens to cover that up.

• Do not share your relationship or marriage matters with a third party – I repeat do not! – speak to the mirror if you have to.

• Never expect them to be perfect – just be that perfect person.

• Have a laugh and tell jokes even when it’s dry.

• Don’t compare your relationship / Marriage to others.

• Say what you want or think and avoid guessing game

• Be very playful with your partner and tease them – the smile is unquantifiable.

• Understand that you can’t think or act like but you learn to do it together.

• Feel free to flirt with each other like you are just courting – it helps a lot.

• Never stop communicating or else you are leaving room for assumption.

• Be united.

• Under no circumstances must you use sex as a weapon for punishment.

• Do not manipulate your partner – it does come back to bite.

• It doesn’t matter how bad they can do this or that at home – to you, now it’s the best and right way.

• Do not return anger for anger – it never works.

• Don’t go defending yourself when issues arise but listen.

• For those who are believers – don’t pray separately but as a team.

• Serve him his drink – serve her, her chocolate.

There is no manual for how to have or live a happy home – you just have to design what works for you and to do that is to live together and learn in bits. What is working for Mr & Mrs. Smith might not work for Mr & Mrs. Andrews. Copy no one or wish to be like no one.